Paternity Pains
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I'm Elmo and I Know It
My son goes crazy for this video, and something tells me that your children will love it too!  
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The Man With No Face
This brave man's face was cropped from the photo due to it's graphic content.  What you don't see is a series of bloody scratch marks from his loving wife.  G-d bless this man, and G-d bless the expectant father!  
Father Drops More Than a Ball
"Sir - Please do not drop your child." ...The only thing that would make this video worse is if the father was a Yankees fan.
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Joke of the Day
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive lady waving at him.  
She says hi, and he's rather taken back because he can't place where he recognizes her from.  
So the guy says, "Do you know me?"
The woman replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he cheated on his wife and says, "Holy shit!  Are you the prostitute from Vegas that I had sex with at halftime of the basketball game?  We were doing it on the coffee table with all my buddies watching while your partner tickled my ass with a pineapple?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Swagger Wagon
I no longer aspire to have the Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren with gullwing doors. It's all about the "Swagger Wagon!"
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Al Bundy
My wife can't bend over to put on or take off her shoes.  My part-time job is fitting shoes onto her swollen feet.  Now I know how Al Bundy felt when he worked at Gary's Shoes and Accessories for Today's Woman at the mall.  Whooooooooooa Bundy!  
Who is the Father?
The following are all replies that women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section listing "Father's Details," or to put it another way "who's your baby's Daddy?"  

1)  I'm unsure on the identity of the father of my child because I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind.  I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if that helps.  

2)  I've never had sex with a man.  I'm still a Virginian.  I'm awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is Saver risen again.  

3)  I can't tell you the identity of Crystal's father because he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy.  I'm torn between doing right by you and by the country.  Please advise.  
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Total Recall - Kuato Lives
How many of you remember the 1990 classic, Total Recall, starring the "Governator."  I hope one of my friends buys us this baby snuggie...  Wonder if it comes with the words, "Kuato Lives" tagged across the chest!?
Push Present... The Shake Weight
It's important that we support our pregnant partners after they give birth.  The Shake Weight is a great gift to help encourage the ladies to lose the extra pounds gained during pregnancy.  My favorite is yellow tank top girl!
Diaper Duty
Where can I register for this hazmat suit?